“Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness", Mark Nepo
At the end of From Stressed to Blessed, Part Three, I was off to the Kundalini Yoga Ashram (called Yoga Borgo), near Assisi, Italy. My birthday was coming up and I really wanted to “re-birth” myself literally into the person I felt I was on the inside, which was very opposite from the life I was living on the outside and the external persona that I was projecting.
By this time, I had been living in Italy approximately 3 months – all by myself – and starting to become very clear that I could not and most importantly, would not return to my former life. Like the quote last time, Oh, the heart like a whale has no choice but to surface. Or we die. And having surfaced, we all must dive. Or we die”. – I felt I would die if I did not surface. I was suffocating being someone that I was NOT and living a life that wasn’t ME.
By this time, I had been living in Italy approximately 3 months – all by myself – and starting to become very clear that I could not and most importantly, would not return to my former life. Like the quote last time, Oh, the heart like a whale has no choice but to surface. Or we die. And having surfaced, we all must dive. Or we die”. – I felt I would die if I did not surface. I was suffocating being someone that I was NOT and living a life that wasn’t ME.
I really did not have a clue about what my “new life” would look like, but I did know that there was no going back. Little did I know driving up the steep gravel road to the Yoga Borgo how drastically my life was going to change! Again, had I known, my ego and mind, which was very used to being in control, would have convinced me that there was NO way I could pull off something this dramatic at my age! After all, I was a late-fifties, grandmother! I had no mentor, road map, guide book or anything to show me how and what to do. I was on my own in uncharted territory.
I had seen photos of Yoga Borgo, but nothing prepared me for the experience that came over me as I rounded the last corner, parked my car, and saw the expanse of the Borgo and the surrounding country side. It literally took my breath away. I stood there drinking it all in, frozen in disbelief that I was actually there (these wondrous things never happen to ME), and at the same time dancing around like a giddy child. I think my face almost broke from the smile that covered my entire head. Then the tears began to roll down my cheeks and the goose bumps ran a marathon over my entire body, as I realized for the first time in my entire life, I was exactly, perfectly, Divinely where I was supposed to be. Nothing else really mattered and the fear of the unknown and what my new life was going to “look like” evaporated. I had never felt so free and so clear in my life. I gathered myself and that first exhilarating step toward my new life –which I knew was beginning right here and right NOW.
I had seen photos of Yoga Borgo, but nothing prepared me for the experience that came over me as I rounded the last corner, parked my car, and saw the expanse of the Borgo and the surrounding country side. It literally took my breath away. I stood there drinking it all in, frozen in disbelief that I was actually there (these wondrous things never happen to ME), and at the same time dancing around like a giddy child. I think my face almost broke from the smile that covered my entire head. Then the tears began to roll down my cheeks and the goose bumps ran a marathon over my entire body, as I realized for the first time in my entire life, I was exactly, perfectly, Divinely where I was supposed to be. Nothing else really mattered and the fear of the unknown and what my new life was going to “look like” evaporated. I had never felt so free and so clear in my life. I gathered myself and that first exhilarating step toward my new life –which I knew was beginning right here and right NOW.
I spent the next week in this magical bliss – waking with birds singing outside of my window, followed by Kundalini Yoga every morning with my hosts and master teachers, fresh organic food, naps in the hammock, long walks down canyons, creeks and to the top of mountains. I was exploring the landscape of my inner self through this majestic setting and discovering things about myself and allowing feelings to surface that I had no idea were there. For the first time in my life, I felt connected to my life force, alive from the inside out, joyful and mostly a sense of freedom that I could have never imagined to exist for me. And along with this peace, there was no fear of the future. The night before my birthday, I made a little cross of sticks, and then wrote on paper the words of all of the things I wanted to let go of and not carry forward into my new life... grief, shame, fear, self-loathing, regret, loneliness and about 25 other things that had kept me buried in the “black hole” over many years. I stuck the papers on the little stick cross, and then burned the cross. As I watched it all literally crumble into nothingness, I sent up prayers and blessings of gratitude.
On the morning of my birthday, I woke early and hiked to the top of the mountain to watch a truly magical sunrise and performed my “re-birthing” ceremony with some yoga, meditation, and special mantra. As I opened my eyes after meditating, I saw a deer standing near and just staring at me – with such love and grace in her eyes that I barely breathed. Then I remembered that seeing a deer means, A Call to a Journey. I was definitely being called, like I had many times before, only this time, I was answering.
On the morning of my birthday, I woke early and hiked to the top of the mountain to watch a truly magical sunrise and performed my “re-birthing” ceremony with some yoga, meditation, and special mantra. As I opened my eyes after meditating, I saw a deer standing near and just staring at me – with such love and grace in her eyes that I barely breathed. Then I remembered that seeing a deer means, A Call to a Journey. I was definitely being called, like I had many times before, only this time, I was answering.
Back at the Borgo, my gracious hosts provided a lovely celebration with gorgeous organic food and chocolate cake. In the afternoon, I had my first Tantric Numerology reading with the host and master teacher, Sada Sat Singh Khalsa. It provided a clarity about my Soul’s purpose, and the answers to questions I had been asking myself for a very long time. I was being called to be a Teacher, as it is my natural gift. I found the answer to the question I had been asking all of my life. Why was I here - what was I supposed to be doing while I was here? I never thought it would be Teacher. The numerology said that the challenge for me on the path was to TRUST!
The magical, mystical and beautiful week at the Borgo, and the special signs, messages and clarity on my birthday was the final push UP and out of the black hole. I knew I would not go back there again. I had no idea how I was going to become a teacher, but I knew that I had to try. I left the Borgo feeling like another miracle had been given to me in the form of a second chance to experience and create Life from the inside out, rather than how I had been doing it for so many years. I had allowed outside circumstances - mostly negative (which I was unknowingly creating) to direct the course and quality of everything I experienced - not living and creating, but reacting, and slowly dying on the inside.
After my transformational week at the Borgo, I went back to my temporary home in Tuscany, and continued to move forward into my new life. I promised myself that I would do at least ONE thing every day to get me closer to figuring out what I was going to do and how I was going to do it.
The magical, mystical and beautiful week at the Borgo, and the special signs, messages and clarity on my birthday was the final push UP and out of the black hole. I knew I would not go back there again. I had no idea how I was going to become a teacher, but I knew that I had to try. I left the Borgo feeling like another miracle had been given to me in the form of a second chance to experience and create Life from the inside out, rather than how I had been doing it for so many years. I had allowed outside circumstances - mostly negative (which I was unknowingly creating) to direct the course and quality of everything I experienced - not living and creating, but reacting, and slowly dying on the inside.
After my transformational week at the Borgo, I went back to my temporary home in Tuscany, and continued to move forward into my new life. I promised myself that I would do at least ONE thing every day to get me closer to figuring out what I was going to do and how I was going to do it.
Finally, when my my time in Italy ended, I returned home. Many things had changed – some relationships had ended, the economy and my previous career and income source had crashed. From the outside, my circumstances and chances of a resurrection of life to Yoga Teacher looked ridiculously impossible. When things would seem really impossible, I would remember how “impossible” it was that I would end up living in Italy for a year – and the miracles that happened that got me there in the first place.
It took another year before I would find my way to yoga teacher training and another nine months to complete – with many obstacles, bumps, bruises and out right “impossibilities” to overcome, but in September of 2011, I completed my 200 hour training to become a certified Kundalini Yoga Teacher. The next month I started teaching.
Teaching Kundalini Yoga feels like I grew an extra heart and it sits outside of my body visible for everyone to see. It feels like an extension of every cell of my mind, body and spirit that is Authentically ME. Even when I don’t feel well physically, or exhausted, or not prepared to teach, I show up anyway, and as soon as I sit down and mentally recite my teacher’s oath, “I am not a woman, I am not a man, I am not a person, I am not myself, I am a teacher”, something incredibly magic and Divine comes over me, and I know with absolute certainty that I am exactly where I should be, joyfully doing the work of my soul. I still face challenges, setbacks, disappointments, frustrations, failures and everything in between, but the difference now is that those things pale in comparison to the bigger picture – which I never lose sight of now.
Thank you for being with me for this series. I honestly was a bit hesitant to share so publically my private and personal struggles and journey. But I remembered my personal mission statement and the reason I took the leap to change my life in the first place – to, as Yogi Bhajan encourages us “Be a Lighthouse” – to assist anyone whose path crosses mine in awakening to YOUR own Magnificence and Joy, and to provide the tools so that YOU can experience the Infinite Divinity that resides within YOU while we reside in this finite physical vehicle. I was given the extraordinary gift of a second chance late in life, and I truly believe one reason I received it was because I am supposed to share it!
Thank you for being with me for this series. I honestly was a bit hesitant to share so publically my private and personal struggles and journey. But I remembered my personal mission statement and the reason I took the leap to change my life in the first place – to, as Yogi Bhajan encourages us “Be a Lighthouse” – to assist anyone whose path crosses mine in awakening to YOUR own Magnificence and Joy, and to provide the tools so that YOU can experience the Infinite Divinity that resides within YOU while we reside in this finite physical vehicle. I was given the extraordinary gift of a second chance late in life, and I truly believe one reason I received it was because I am supposed to share it!
I started from Stressed to Blessed, Part I, saying that all we really have to do to go from Stressed to Blessed is to simply START doing the thing or things that make your heart sing with joy, nurture that part of you, KEEP DOING IT, and sit back and see what you find waiting for you inside. I quoted Dr. Siri Atma, "I don't believe that you find yourself. I don't believe you create yourself. I believe you make a nurturing environment, let yourself BE, and see what grows". And, because this is exactly how I found myself, my passion, my joy and the courage to rearrange my life to LIVE from the inside, this is how I will end this series as well.
I invite you to start small, but START. I am a perfect example that’s it’s never too late (or too early) to begin. This life is not a dress rehearsal, and trust me, the years go quickly by. I went from type A, miserable, controlling, angry, depressed, corporate burned out b%@@! - complete with my panty hose, Gucci briefcase, matching belt, bag and shoes - to wearing flip flops, and leggings to work, while chanting in my car, “I am so blessed”. I could have never planned or imagined anything even close to what my life is today.
I end this series where I started with some beautiful words from Mark Nepo, “Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness. This means staying committed to your inner path. This means not separating from yourself when things get tough or confusing. This means accepting and embracing your faults and limitations. It means loving yourself no matter how others see you. It means cherishing the unchangeable radiance that lives within you, no matter the cuts and bruises along the way. It means binding your life with a solemn pledge to the truth of your soul”.
I invite you to take a solemn pledge to the truth of your own Soul and begin Today.
I invite you to start small, but START. I am a perfect example that’s it’s never too late (or too early) to begin. This life is not a dress rehearsal, and trust me, the years go quickly by. I went from type A, miserable, controlling, angry, depressed, corporate burned out b%@@! - complete with my panty hose, Gucci briefcase, matching belt, bag and shoes - to wearing flip flops, and leggings to work, while chanting in my car, “I am so blessed”. I could have never planned or imagined anything even close to what my life is today.
I end this series where I started with some beautiful words from Mark Nepo, “Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness. This means staying committed to your inner path. This means not separating from yourself when things get tough or confusing. This means accepting and embracing your faults and limitations. It means loving yourself no matter how others see you. It means cherishing the unchangeable radiance that lives within you, no matter the cuts and bruises along the way. It means binding your life with a solemn pledge to the truth of your soul”.
I invite you to take a solemn pledge to the truth of your own Soul and begin Today.
Thanks for being with me. As always, I LOVE hearing from you – your comments, feedback, suggestions, questions, etc.
I wish you all Bountiful, Beautiful and Blissful holidays.
Love, Blessings and Gratitude,
Vikki
