“The soul hovers like a sun within; burning its way out without ever leaving center. WE call this – the burning out – PASSION”, Mark Nepo
Welcome back! So much has happened in my life since I posted From Stressed to Blessed – Part Two! I actually was back in Italy last month in the little village where I lived in 2009 – visiting the wonderful friends I made there and the professor and family that I had exchanged houses with. Besides all of the obvious bliss I experienced of just BEING in Italy again, I gained amazing clarity and insight into myself and in particular some life long “issues” I have struggled with. I received a huge confirmation that I am in the right place on my journey and that despite some set-backs and mis-steps, I need to keep forging forward on this journey. It makes me writing the rest of this article all the more fun, as I REALLY want each of you to experience the utter bliss of simply finding your way back to YOU, the real you –The YOU whose heart sings with joy when you are doing the thing that connects you with Highest Self – the one who feels that sense of complete connection, purpose, passion and gives you the reason to jump out of bed each morning grateful for another day and opportunity to be YOU. Last time, I asked you two important questions:
What do you LOVE to do, and how can you find ways/time to do it. AND What might you be willing to give up to find and experience what you truly love.
Read on about my experience of finding what I truly love!
Now, back to my manifestation of a miracle and the biggest adventure of my life. As I said previously, this adventure actually had a very rocky start and a pretty good chance of crashing due to my health and financial crisis. In addition to the diagnosis of the bacterial infection that caused me to lose 40 pounds AND have an emotional meltdown, the funds that I had planned on using to support myself for the year suddenly became unavailable. I was really stressed BUT not willing to give up my dream and this once in a lifetime opportunity – especially after all of this planning and work . Despite all of the setbacks and obstacles that threatened to completely railroad this trip, everything was set – I had already taken a temporary leave of absence from my job. The Italian professor and his family had notified his University, he had signed an employment contract with UCSB, and we had all purchased non- refundable plane tickets.
Once again, despite all outward signs to the contrary, I KNEW inside that I was supposed to go. I was being “called”, as I had many times in my life before. After a lifetime of “ignoring” the call and staying miserable, this time I was going to answer. I had NO idea where I would end up, but I knew I had to go. One of my dearest friends, who had known me many years, described me shortly before I left, as “unrecognizable as Vikki”. What a wake up call THAT was. She was right. Not only was I unrecognizable as Vikki, I had lost who I was at all – there was NO Vikki present anywhere in the life I was living! So, despite all and many obstacles, I took the leap and flew to Italy - an unemployed, middle-aged, single woman, who would not know a soul there or speak the language.
Once again, despite all outward signs to the contrary, I KNEW inside that I was supposed to go. I was being “called”, as I had many times in my life before. After a lifetime of “ignoring” the call and staying miserable, this time I was going to answer. I had NO idea where I would end up, but I knew I had to go. One of my dearest friends, who had known me many years, described me shortly before I left, as “unrecognizable as Vikki”. What a wake up call THAT was. She was right. Not only was I unrecognizable as Vikki, I had lost who I was at all – there was NO Vikki present anywhere in the life I was living! So, despite all and many obstacles, I took the leap and flew to Italy - an unemployed, middle-aged, single woman, who would not know a soul there or speak the language.
It was dead winter and freezing cold when I arrived. I was NOT in a good place emotionally or physically. I did feel guilty over leaving friends, family, security and being “selfish”, and “irresponsible” (words of the ego). I admit, just the basics of living there in the beginning were difficult – especially driving and trying to navigate my way around not understanding one single word on the road signs, and having to trust a faulty GPS system (OMG those Italians drive like bats out of hell and have NO patience with idiot Americans on their roads).
EVERYTHING was an obstacle and challenge since I did not speak Italian and no one in my little village spoke English. Just getting gas, groceries, and little things like reading food labels at the grocery store were impossible. Throw in that I was ill, and trying to get health care and proper medications, and it was a perfect storm. I could meltdown, or rise up. I had no choice but to rise up - I had already been in full blown meltdown and going back there was NOT an option.
EVERYTHING was an obstacle and challenge since I did not speak Italian and no one in my little village spoke English. Just getting gas, groceries, and little things like reading food labels at the grocery store were impossible. Throw in that I was ill, and trying to get health care and proper medications, and it was a perfect storm. I could meltdown, or rise up. I had no choice but to rise up - I had already been in full blown meltdown and going back there was NOT an option.
Many days, I thought I had made a mistake and was being “punished” for taking such a risk. I cried more tears in those first few months than I had cried in the previous 25 years. Most of all, I was terrified, but now some of the simultaneous exhilaration that I felt earlier, compelling me to forge forward had disappeared, and now I was just plain terrified – and sick! I could do nothing but FACE my fear and demons squarely in their snarling faces, and keep moving through. My inner demons were having a field day now that I had no distractions and no where to hide from them – they were with me day and night.
I kept thinking, Here I am in Italy, living a dream come true, but I’m sick, terrified and miserable. How did this happen? I took a big risk to be here, and I was supposed to be having the time of my life! Still, I knew I was supposed to be there, doing exactly THAT process. I remember thinking of that little quote, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.. well, I actually had no choice but to face the fear and everything else that came up when I was completely alone in a foreign country. Still, I stubbornly refused to go home, despite the pleadings from my close friends and family who were really worried about me. I humbly bowed down every day and asked for strength, clarity and mostly sanity. Mostly, I thought to myself, "Oh God, please don't let me blow this incredible once in a lifetime chance to start over".
I kept thinking, Here I am in Italy, living a dream come true, but I’m sick, terrified and miserable. How did this happen? I took a big risk to be here, and I was supposed to be having the time of my life! Still, I knew I was supposed to be there, doing exactly THAT process. I remember thinking of that little quote, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.. well, I actually had no choice but to face the fear and everything else that came up when I was completely alone in a foreign country. Still, I stubbornly refused to go home, despite the pleadings from my close friends and family who were really worried about me. I humbly bowed down every day and asked for strength, clarity and mostly sanity. Mostly, I thought to myself, "Oh God, please don't let me blow this incredible once in a lifetime chance to start over".
As spring approached, my health began improving with the weather, and I was able to get out and walk, make some friends, learn some basic Italian and start enjoying my freedom. I would walk to a small family owned vineyard near my house. At first, the grape vines were brown, crumpled, peeling sticks that looked completely dead. It reminded me of ME! I thought to myself that nothing would ever grow from those lifeless sticks. Then one day, I noticed a tiny little green leaf sprouting from the dead stick – I was elated. A few days later, there were several tiny little sprouts of life bravely making their way toward sunlight from that lifeless limb.
This daily walk and watching the process of new life unfolding on the grape vines became the metaphor for my life – as I gradually began to feel alive, healthy and hopeful that I was going to learn exactly what I needed during this blessing of time in a stunningly gorgeous place. I would sit under the big tree, in awe and wonder of what was awakening. Each week, a new part of me emerged, new strength, new life, and mostly, a feeling that I never experienced before – peace inside and connection with ME. My visits to the little vineyard became my daily ritual, and my affirmation of my own transformation.
I continuously received “messages” and guidance in various forms that I was doing the right thing and to stay the course. And working through all of the difficulties and challenges, I found inner resources that I never knew I had. I was a middle- aged woman and I was learning things about myself that simply astonished me. I found out that I truly LOVE art and history, and sacred traditions that I had not had in my life at home, among many things that kept flooding out. I allowed myself to really soak and bask in experiences that allowed me to feel bliss, joy, peace and mainly SAFE. I was creating that “nurturing environment” that Dr. Siri Atma spoke of, and allowing myself to grow into WHO I truly was. Now the exhilaration was coming back, and the fear was subsiding! WOO HOO.
This daily walk and watching the process of new life unfolding on the grape vines became the metaphor for my life – as I gradually began to feel alive, healthy and hopeful that I was going to learn exactly what I needed during this blessing of time in a stunningly gorgeous place. I would sit under the big tree, in awe and wonder of what was awakening. Each week, a new part of me emerged, new strength, new life, and mostly, a feeling that I never experienced before – peace inside and connection with ME. My visits to the little vineyard became my daily ritual, and my affirmation of my own transformation.
I continuously received “messages” and guidance in various forms that I was doing the right thing and to stay the course. And working through all of the difficulties and challenges, I found inner resources that I never knew I had. I was a middle- aged woman and I was learning things about myself that simply astonished me. I found out that I truly LOVE art and history, and sacred traditions that I had not had in my life at home, among many things that kept flooding out. I allowed myself to really soak and bask in experiences that allowed me to feel bliss, joy, peace and mainly SAFE. I was creating that “nurturing environment” that Dr. Siri Atma spoke of, and allowing myself to grow into WHO I truly was. Now the exhilaration was coming back, and the fear was subsiding! WOO HOO.
I made a promise to myself that I would “re-birth” myself for my upcoming birthday in May. GEEZ.. wasn’t it past time for me to get my life together?? I was way past middle-aged! My yoga teacher at home told me about a Kundalini Ashram near Assisi, and I decided to spend my birthday there.
Little did I know then, that my life was going to change and take me on a real “Road Less Traveled”, and there would be no turning back – even if I wanted to. Of course, if I had known what was ahead, I might not have blindly stumbled forward.
Before leaving for the ashram, I came across this quote by Mark Nepo, from his The Book of Awakening, “Oh the heart like a whale has no choice but to surface. Or we die. And having surfaced, we all must dive. Or we die”.
I had no choice but to surface, and then dive deeply back down. I had already been dead. Off I went to the Ashram!
Little did I know then, that my life was going to change and take me on a real “Road Less Traveled”, and there would be no turning back – even if I wanted to. Of course, if I had known what was ahead, I might not have blindly stumbled forward.
Before leaving for the ashram, I came across this quote by Mark Nepo, from his The Book of Awakening, “Oh the heart like a whale has no choice but to surface. Or we die. And having surfaced, we all must dive. Or we die”.
I had no choice but to surface, and then dive deeply back down. I had already been dead. Off I went to the Ashram!
Thanks for being with me this week! Stay tuned for the final part of this series, From Stressed to Blessed, Living in Alignment, Part Four. I will tell you about the momentum you create when you put that ONE foot on the path, and start the universal flow of energy in your direction.
In the meantime, I leave you with a thought provoking quote from Dr. Terry Cole-Whittaker from Science of Mind Magazine, "Power is power only when turned on; otherwise it is simply potential. Your home may be wired for electricity, but that is power only when you are using it. Until then, it is passive and waiting to be activated".
How can you activate your Power today and take ONE step toward your passion, purpose and Highest Good - toward your passion? You might not be ready or able to take a giant leap, BUT you can put one foot on the path TODAY.
Lastly, I love this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, and re-stated by Paulo Coehlo in The Alchemist, Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen" .
I invite you to make the decision to put one foot on your path and allow the Universe to conspire to make it happen.
Love and Blessings,
Vikki
Healing Life Yoga
In the meantime, I leave you with a thought provoking quote from Dr. Terry Cole-Whittaker from Science of Mind Magazine, "Power is power only when turned on; otherwise it is simply potential. Your home may be wired for electricity, but that is power only when you are using it. Until then, it is passive and waiting to be activated".
How can you activate your Power today and take ONE step toward your passion, purpose and Highest Good - toward your passion? You might not be ready or able to take a giant leap, BUT you can put one foot on the path TODAY.
Lastly, I love this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, and re-stated by Paulo Coehlo in The Alchemist, Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen" .
I invite you to make the decision to put one foot on your path and allow the Universe to conspire to make it happen.
Love and Blessings,
Vikki
Healing Life Yoga
